HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2007-NOT THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE

But, not the worst either. For example:

• No one killed themselves in my back yard.
• None of my dogs died, or even got sick.
• I wasn't evicted from a crummy apartment.
• No bill collectors were looking for me.
• I have a car that works and enough gas to get me places.
• I have enough food to eat for me and the dogs.
• I only lost one job this year. Of course, I only had the one to lose, but still better than the year I lost two jobs.

See? Not all bad. Hoping that everyone has a really good 2008! I've got the black-eyed peas soaking, and the champagne chilled.

December 26th

ANYONE WANT A USED DOG? CHEAP!

Two for one sale!

First I put my glass down on the coffee table and FlufferNutter tried to drink out of it. He merely succeeded in knocking it on the floor and spilling it. This is why I use plastic glasses. While I was trying to make myself a new drink, Bentley decided to stick his big head into the refrigerator in an attempt to steal the tenderloin left over from Christmas dinner. He only managed to remove the top from the container, the meat was saved.

JOB OPPORTUNITY

Maybe not. I was watching some "workers" from the probation department clean up the sidewalk where the broken TV had been sitting for months. They did a good job-cut down the weeds, trimmed the bushes, generally un-ghettoed the sidewalk. When they got back in the van and drove away I noticed a big ad on the van.

NOW HIRING!

Hey kids! Get a DUI, get a job! (It was an ad to apply to be a Deputy Sheriff, but I still got a kick out of it.)

NETFLIX-BLOCKBUSTER-NETFLIX?

I used to use Netflix, until they started taking six days to show they had received a DVD back and in the meantime were sending me emails encouraging me to upgrade to a plan with more movies out at a time. I switched to Blockbuster-because for the same price you could have the same amount of DVDs out at a time AND you could get free rentals for each DVD you returned to the store. Then they raised the price for unlimited in-store exchanges per month, but it was still a good deal. Last week I got a notice that they were raising the price AGAIN, this time by 40%. Uh, no thanks. Netflix lowered the price for three movies at a time, so I guess I'll go back to Netflix. Blockbuster was playing the game of starting out too cheap and hoping that people will be too lazy to switch when they jacked up the price by a ridiculous percentage. Or too stupid to know that a 40% increase is uncalled for in any type of business.

MORONS BLABBING ON PUBLIC FORUMS

Comments on a story about a horse spooked by a musician, so PETA is pushing to ban the horse drawn carriages in NYC:
"Why don't NYC ban the street musicians. They are noisey and disturb the residents and tourists by their panhandling not to mention the noise pollution they cause. If they caused the spooking of the horse, shut them down not the carriages. And tell PETA to go take a Flying F*** at a rolling donut! They are getting ridiculous! Take Avila with them!"
"We travel to NYC every year and have finally stopped taking the carriage rides through a small portion of Central Park. The hores are great, but the carriage drivers have gotten positively surly." Did this person misspell "whores"?

From a moron who doesn't recognize sarcasm (in response to a comment that suggested banning hoodies because a rapist was described as wearing one):
"What good is it going to do if normal cizitens can't wear hoodies... Hoodies are not the problem here it's thesse punks,who think that they won't be caught and even when they do catch thesse creaps the penalty for rape is only like two years enless they used a weapon. Take away hoodies what will it be next ( beenies and baseball caps). Women need to take self defension course's plan and simple..."

"YOU CHARGER HATERS MAKE ME PUKE. IF HE WAS A CHARGER AND I DO BELIEVE HE WAS THEN HE DONE DID ALOT OF GOOD FOR OUR CITY AND THE JUDGE SHOULD FREE HIM NOW. HE AINT NO CRIMINAL AND THATS FOR SURE. IF WE DONT SHOW NO RESPECT FOR OUR TEAM WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE WE??????? THE CHARGER DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE AND WE SHOULDN'T JUDGE HIM. THATS FOR GOD TO DO." This guy probably learned as much in school as some of the football players-who obviously didn't see a scholarship as an opportunity to get a good education.

December 20th

PLANET EARTH

I'm in the middle of watching the BBC series Planet Earth. It's okay, worth the price of the rental. Very good cinematography, the scenery shots are awesome, the animal segments are entertaining and enlightening.

One episode was simply titled Caves. It's misnamed. It should have been called Bat Shit and Bird Spit. It has a whole sequence with a humongous mound of what they delicately refer to as “bat droppings” which is covered with cockroaches that are dining on the guano. Come on! It's bat shit, smothered in bugs. I need to know about this because...? And, does this give us some sort of insight into the origin of the phrase “bat shit crazy”?

And then they had a bit about cave swifts, and the delicate little nests they make on the cave walls. It turns out that their nests are the main ingredient in Bird's nest soup and they are made of bird spit.

I guess after learning this I should be very thankful that I've never eaten bird's nest soup. I always thought that it was made with noodles that looked like a bird's nest or something. I never imagined that it was made from solidified bird saliva.

WEDDING THANK YOU'S

I hear that it's quite trendy to have a web site for your wedding. The proposal, the planning, pictures of the big day, etc. can all be put on the Internet for the whole world to see, even people who don't know you. Although I don't know why people who don't know you would be at all interested in viewing your on line wedding album. Well, unless it's like the one that a friend sent me the link to. It was quite amusing. The joining of people so obviously in love with themselves that it's hard to imagine that they truly loved each other, although narcissism can be a shared tie that binds I suppose. The usual drivel-photos, gift suggestions (bottles of wine that STARTED at $40 each), tales of how they met. And a page to thank people. Some of them I understood-the person who introduced them, the wedding planner, their deceased fathers. And, their “colon health” provider. Perhaps a really good BM every morning is the secret to a good marriage.

NEW FOSTER DOG

Meet Donner. Or Jessie. I guess he has two names. I was told to name him so I picked Donner. Then it turns out that he was already on the website as Jessie. I guess it doesn't really matter, the new owners will name him whatever they want to. Although, I think that Donner is a much better name than Jessie. I just call him FlufferNutter anyway.

December 17th

DUCK

EXTREME MAKEOVER-HOME EDITION

Maybe I'm just being cynical, but while I'm sure that this show started out with good intentions-helping people who through no fault of their own were living in unsafe or unhealthy homes and were unselfish in giving to others themselves-most of the families lately seem to me to be sort of phony. “Let me make up a really pitiful story and see if I can get ABC to build me a really nice house.” The women who do the phony weeping while telling their poor-poor-pitiful-me stories really get under my skin. “We bought this fixer upper house knowing that it had problems and now it's making my kid sick and you need to help us.” Give me a break!

Maybe I could tell ABC a story about how miserable my life is because I was a loyal mortgage worker for 30 years and now I'm unemployed and my roof leaks and my dog is sick and get a fancy new house too. With a luxury dog condo for the pupsters. Oh yeah, and my butt is sore because, well, see the next paragraph.

I SHOULD HAVE STAYED ON THE FLOOR

I went into Big Lots to see if they had any CD cases-when they have them they're about half the price of the ones at Frye's. They didn't, and I resisted the urge to buy cheap Christmas decorations and half price scented candles and was on my way out when I slipped on something spilled on the floor. Fell down, went boom! I'm such a dork! I could have been hurt and sued Big Lots and not had to worry about getting a job or cared whether Congress does something to help out the workers who weren't the cause of the problem with the loan business but are the ones suffering. But, I got up, said I was fine and left.

I'm just kidding. I would never claim to be hurt if I wasn't. But, it would be nice to be worry free for a while. And, my butt is a little sore.

NUTMEG

Quickly! Go check your spice cupboard. Do you have nutmeg from Schilling that's either in the square metal container or the bottle and the label identifies it as coming from Baltimore, MD? If you do that stuff is AT LEAST 15 years old! (This is true of any Schilling spices, but our topic today is nutmeg.) Do you know WHY you have 15-year-old nutmeg in your cupboard? Because ground, stale nutmeg doesn't taste like anything. You can sprinkle it all you want to on top of your eggnog, but all it's going to do is make little nutmeg colored specks. My kitchen hero Rachael Ray keeps talking about whole nutmeg, and she uses a little hand held grater that only has fine holes to grate just the amount she needs. I have one of those. They were once only available at the high-end stores that cater to cooking snobs, but now you can find them at the 99¢ store sometimes. I think I got mine at Big Lots. As far as I'm concerned, you cannot have too many cooking utensils. Anyway, I decided to toss the ancient, tasteless ground stuff in the bottle and found some whole nutmegs in the Hispanic spice section of the store. (Schilling still only makes the ground stuff.) You know what? Freshly grated nutmeg actually has a flavor! And, it goes really well sprinkled on some brandy and eggnog.

My Quit Meter

One year, 3 hours, 31 minutes and 24 seconds. 7302 cigarettes not smoked, saving $1,424.07. Life saved: 3 weeks, 4 days, 8 hours, 30 minutes.

December 14th

MOPPET

THE BOAT

Someone parked a boat on a street in my neighborhood. I say “parked”, but it was probably something closer to abandoned-it sat there for a couple of months. This was a good sized boat on a trailer. I guess someone complained because this morning a deputy sheriff was out there having it towed away. Now I can only hope that the county will come around and put notices on all of the RVs parked in the same spots on the street for months(they're only allowed to park for 24 hours), and the big rigs using the street for overnight parking instead of paying for commercial spaces, and the morons that park their cars on their lawns. And maybe pick up the broken TV that's been sitting in the middle of the sidewalk. Oh, and do something about the “tweaker house” with the RV parked in the front yard and the lovely plastic tarp “fencing”.

TWEAKER HOUSE

THIS SUCKS

There are still no jobs being advertised in the mortgage business for support staff, and I know that people are still losing jobs. Congress hasn't done anything to extend unemployment benefits, they apparently think that we won't look for jobs if we keep getting a fraction of our former pay each week for doing nothing. Yeah, right. I really enjoy not buying anything new, and worrying about the utility bill every time I turn my heater on.

Recently I saw this in a job listing: “experience in Mortgage or Real Estate business DOES NOT meet requirement---PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND WITHOUT THIS EXPERIENCE”

Besides the irony of Monster.com sending me this as a result of my search for Mortgage Loan Processor positions, it shows what we are up against. People aren't going to readily hire mortgage professionals to work in another field, especially for lower pay. (That particular job's top pay range was $8,000 less than I made in my last job.) Would you? Even though we could do those jobs (office experience is office experience after all) employers are fearful that if the mortgage jobs come back we'll go back too. And, if the only jobs that we can find pay a lot less than we can earn in the field that we're experienced in, we will go back when (or if) we can. I've sent out my resume for lots of jobs that I know I could do, and I haven't received even ONE response. So, do me a favor. Write your congress persons and ask that they do something to extend unemployment benefits for the 50,000+ out of work mortgage people! Or, give me a job.

ONE PEPPER!

Jalapeño peppers from the stupor-markets have been getting milder-dumbed down to suit the tastes of Whitebread America. “We want salsa, but we don't like it hot.” So, I usually use serranos instead. But, I had those jalapeños that I got at the little market up the hill and put one into a pot of chicken, rice and veggies. Yowza! Even for me, the person who likes hot peppers in almost everything, that sucker was HOT. I had to eat my dinner with a tissue in one hand to blow my nose and wipe my eyes. I will remember in the future that the jalapeños from the Hispanic market are what they should be-hot!

THE MORONS SPEAK

Channel 10:

From a story about neighborhood density: “Units are tighter and crowder.”

“The giving needs to continue year around.” As do your remedial English lessons apparently.

“...school's board of advisory...”

From an ad for a drug for bladder control:

“It's hard to always do things spur of the moment.” You guys PAID someone to create this ad for you? You got pissed on.

From another “blog of note:
“...all parties interested in applying for a staph position.” A job as flesh eating bacteria? How odd. (To be fair, I hope that the spelling of this was meant as a joke. It's from a blog for a university band. I hope that the band geeks are smarter than the average public-school educated morons.)

December 6th

LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCES

When I lived in Hollywood I had a friend who owned a rather strange business. They would take a bus and park in front of the Chinese Theater and recruit people to go see tapings of TV shows. They would get paid by how many bodies they would deliver. Those of us who lived there wouldn't volunteer to be among them. We knew the routine-you were herded in, sat down, locked in until it was over. You must applaud NOW! You must laugh NOW! I did one time go to a taping of Fernwood 2 Night, which was entertaining, but for the most part I wasn't part of any “live audience” that everything seemed to be filmed in front of.

BUT, now they give you things for being part of the herd and getting locked in. I want a $500 gift certificate! I want the all-in-one printer/fax/scanner! I want those gold earrings! Makes me wish I lived close to the studios again. Well, only for a moment. Then I remember how horrid the traffic was the last time I was in L.A., and that I was screaming in my car “How can people live here?” I don't think that there are enough audience gifts in all of Los Angeles to make me want to live there again. But, if I ever go back to New York I want tickets to see The View. They give out really good stuff! And, they tell you things like how Whoopi Goldberg got her nickname. (It has to do with farts. Really.)

I GUESS MEXICANS DON'T EAT MUCH SWISS CHEESE

I sometimes go to a little grocery store up the hill. It caters to Hispanic customers, but has good produce and interesting meat items. When I check out with things like pork tongue, beef kidney and chicken feet I'm sure they wonder what this white girl is going to do with it all. (It's for the dogs. Really.) Monday I ran up there to get some chicken leg quarters for the dogs-they have 10 lb. bags that have true quarters-leg, thigh and half of the back. For myself I grabbed some tomatoes, celery and jalapeños, and looked for some Swiss cheese. I have some ham, and I thought that I would like a ham and Swiss on a gluten-free organic corn thin. No Swiss cheese! There was cheddar, jack, pepper jack, all sorts of Mexican cheese, even Velveeta and American faux cheese slices, but no Swiss. I guess Swiss cheese doesn't go well in a taco. Maybe I'll create a ham and Swiss enchilada recipe.

ANOTHER RANT ABOUT A RUDE MORON

I was on my way back from the store and a bunch of rude morons had the entire street blocked with a moving truck. I wouldn't have minded if they had left enough room to squeeze around, but they didn't, so I honked. No body appeared, I honked again. Still no one, I honked again. Four men came out of the back of the truck, and stood there and looked at me. I rolled down the window and said “There's no room to get around.” The fat one yelled “We know.” Okay, you rude, fat, moron. If you KNOW the street is blocked why did you do it? Then he yelled “There's other streets.” Let me get this straight. You expect me to turn around and drive around the block to get to my house which is two houses up the street because you think that you have the right to block the whole street? Yeah. Right.

They moved it.

They probably think I'm a bitch, but I'd rather be a bitch than a fat, rude moron.

SPEAKING OF BEING A BITCH

I've griped before about moron telemarketers who either flagrantly violate the “do not call” list, really stretch the rules for allowed calls, break the law altogether by using recorded messages, or ignore requests to not call again. I've tried all sorts of things-not answering My phone until people talk to the phone machine, or if I can tell the call was made by an automatic dialer I ask the caller to hold on and I never come back, etc. I've had enough! I'm reporting all these morons to the FCC. It's pretty easy to do-they have a website.

FCC Complaints

It probably won't make all the rotten telemarketers go away, but it makes me feel better.

MORONS POSTING ON PUBLIC FORUMS:

"Surprosed? then why are they paid so much to be wrong? theymust be related to chris rock" Somewhere there's a joke about being dumber than a box of rocks here.